News!

We're pregnant!

Finally, after exactly 2 years of trying, we are pregnant. I'm twelve weeks as of Tuesday. (The pic though is from 6 weeks so I'm showing much more now. I just haven't uploaded the pics yet) I've waited on pins and needles these last two months to tell everyone. I've had three close friends miscarry this year alone, so I wanted to be extra cautious.

So far things are going well. I've had plenty of nausea and exhaustion though constant small snacks and lots of rest have kept it in check. It's actually been a huge relief to have E in school so that I have the time to lie down when needed.

We heard the heartbeat last week! That definitely made it seem more real, although other than the heartburn and fatigue it is still a little hard to believe.

We decided, in October, that we were done trying. We were scheduled for another IUI (artificial insemination) in mid October that we decided to cancel at the last minute. I just wasn't up for anymore medical procedures and we were both emotionally done with the situation. A couple weeks later we found out we were pregnant! I had donated all of our pregnancy books and baby paraphernalia, so we are starting from absolute scratch at this point.

We're seeing a midwife, who has been fabulous. She's had lots of good tips for dealing with the morning sickness and overall just has a knowledgeable and reassuring air about her. It is such a relief to find such a practitioner after dealing with a litany of OBs and urologists who all seem to be constantly overworked and stretched so thin that they barely have time to address questions. Not to hate on those professionals but I definitely like having someone more laidback to work with throughout this pregnancy.

Overall, this pregnancy has been simpler than E's. I haven't been as sick or fatigued, though I suspect that has more to do with the fact that my lifestyle is less intensely stressful now. I've been more anxious, though. Mostly this is just due to knowing more about pregnancy than I did the first time around. Ignorance, in my case, was a source of bliss during E's pregnancy.

E is super excited to be a big sister! She has lots of plans for this baby.

Pregnancy symptoms so far:

Nausea

Heartburn

I hate: cabbage, onions, and sour cream

I love: peanut butter and jelly, baked potatoes with butter, salt, and cheese, broccoli with cheese sauce (see a theme here?), Silk chocolate soy milk

I've gained 9lbs. already!

Need for stretchy pants though maternity pants are still a bit big, mostly through the butt and hips

Moodiness (seriously)

Nesting, which I seem to have started quite early

So we're due in July and planning a homebirth (more on that later). Yay!

Happy Berfday!

Our baby dog, Rosie, turned a year old on August 18th! She's officially not a puppy anymore. We decided to celebrate by throwing her a surprise birthday party.

Here's Elise holding her before her surprise party. Notice Elise's new hat. She picked it out herself at TJ Maxx. She's bringing back New Wave and she doesn't even know it! I think it's adorable.
Here's Rosie's cake. It doesn't look like much but it was a peanut butter carrot cake. It smelled so good that I made a quick batch of brownies for the humans so that we could share in the cakey bliss.
Rosie eats her cake. Elise decorated her room for this including a picnic blanket for Rosie and a tablecloth on her craft table for us. It was too cute! When we first set the cake down Rosie kept looking at us guiltily, like it might be some kind of trick. She finally got into it though, as you can see. She also received a new toy, a duck with a duck call for a squeaker. I tried getting a pic of her with it but every single one came out blurry. She just liked it too much!
Later in the week we headed to the zoo. Here's E getting to ride a pony. I love the "I'm so pleased with myself" smile.
She really wanted to get her face painted while we were there. I expected her to ask for flowers or butterflies but she insisted on a red dragon. She kept turning her head back and forth pretending to be a dragon on one side and Elise on the other. It was pretty hilarious (and creative). I was just amazed that she came up with it on her own.

If anyone who reads this is ever in the Columbus, OH area, I highly recommend their zoo. Jack Hanna established a lot of their programs and it has his vibe about it, with lots of "animal encounter" areas. E got to pet an African box turtle. They also have a big focus on conservation and public awareness about endangered species. Plus they do a lot of captive breeding and we were able to see a baby Asian elephant. It was quite possibly the cutest thing ever! I think we'll be going back even though it's a two hour drive. E had a great time and it's definitely large enough to justify multiple trips. I hope we can go again soon.

Taking a Break

I've debated a bit about writing this post but I think it's something I need to do. I've brought everyone who reads this blog along on my journey through infertility and part of me feels an obligation to write things here that I wouldn't normally discuss. Because I think, before I went through this, I had no idea what it was like to struggle with these issues. And I find that our society and most others have no positive way to support couples that are going through this.

The IUI was unsuccessful. It is one of the main reasons I have not posted in awhile. We were devastated. So much in fact, that I'm not sure either one of us could quite put it into words. But we've both felt it deeply and it has manifested in other ways. It's been hard to get out of bed, eat, sleep, do anything but watch television and cry sporadically. I hate feeling this way because when I look at it from the outside I feel overwrought and dramatic but I can't help it. Despite many difficulties in my past, this may be the most trying journey I've ever gone on and I'm doing it to myself, by my own choice.

I often wonder why we continue to try. Do I really want another child this badly? Perhaps I can't get pregnant because I'm not a good enough mother to deserve another child. I feel like my body has betrayed me. Has betrayed my own inner struggle with motherhood. Do I love motherhood or hate? Sometimes I feel like my body has proclaimed that I hate it.

So we've chosen to take a break. There are many reasons why, not least of which is the thousand dollars worth of medical bills and the emotional toll of 22 months of failure, despite the intervention.

But I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. Mostly I'm writing this because I want to put it out there that infertility is not (for me and many others) a matter that I can just walk away from and say "oh well I guess it wasn't meant to be". It is grieving. It is the death of a dream. It is the death of twenty two potentials. And I grieve every month. And we, Dan and I, have finally hit the wall.

So we are taking a break. No charting, no OPKs, no tests, nothing. I am tired beyond belief. And yet I'm still sad that we are missing a potential opportunity. Would this have been the month? Are we missing our one chance? It's so hard not to wonder. But we are taking a break.

Happy 30th!

Happy 30th Birthday, Dan!

Dan had his 30th birthday on August 1st (obviously I am behind on posting). I can't believe we've known each other for seven years now. It's been quite the wild ride. A quick marriage, a quick pregnancy, numerous moves including two cross country jaunts, seeing his career take off and turn into what he always wanted, and many other happenings and mis-haps in between. I think we may officially be grown ups now :)
We spent the weekend in a cabin in nearby state park, Lake Hope. It has wonderful hiking trails, fishing, and a resident cat that comes by and hits the park guests up for food. Dan's favorite dessert is banana pudding so Elise and I made a gigantic thing of it and shoved a few candles in. As you can see from the pic, it isn't pretty but it sure tasted good.

We had a great time swimming (on one of the few sunny days of this summer) and even saw a little snake swimming around near some lilly pads. E spotted him. I am thoroughly impressed with her skills of observation because I never would have seen the little guy. She also had a great time at the nature center hand feeding hummingbirds, checking out various animal bones, watching the snakes and turtles, and identifying fake scat. Overall, it was a fabulous weekend and we plan to get back out there again when we can. Sometimes it is nice just to be out in the woods with no cell phone, no computer, no tv. We spent the evenings on the screened in porch playing games and chatting. It was just lovely, lovely family time.

I hope it was a good one for you, Dan. E and I loved it.

The Last Few Weeks

This picture basically sums up our days recently. Stuck inside thanks to an inordinate amount of rain this summer, I'm constantly having to come up with things to do rather than Elise spending the days running around at the park or in the yard. Here she is with one of her favorite toys: the box. She can play for hours, day after day, if we just give her a big box. In fact, the biggest argument we have is whether she can sleep in it or not. Rosie, however, isn't quite as fond of boxes.
Recently at the local library, they had a "petting zoo" of instruments for the kids to try out. There is a student run children's music school through the local university. Elise is trying out the cello here but what she really liked (and I didn't get a pic of) was the trumpet. Heaven help us!
Here is a view of the White River in the Ozarks in Arkansas. We were there for a long weekend and a family reunion with my dad's side. It's been 5 years since I've seen most of them so this was a wonderful get together. I finally met my cousins' children and for the first time in my life, I felt that I fit in with them. I've always been the brainy, sensitive outcast with this group of athletic, outdoorsy, hard drinking people. Somehow children has mellowed them out, though, and we finally had some common ground. Less conversations about how I got all the brains in the family (and the subtle resentment of that) and more convo about the ups and downs of parenthood. Best of all, my dad was on his best behavior and actually held it together for the weekend so that he could spend time with Elise.

The river was beautiful and the fog and breeze rolling off of it were such a relief from the otherwise sweltering days. Dan caught a ten pound brown trout and threw it back (he likes catch and release since we aren't big meat eaters). Unfortunately, he didn't get a picture so now he has a mythical fish story to tell.
Another view of the river. Makes me nostalgic for San Francisco.
Here's Elise posing for the camera. There are about fifteen other shots of her dancing around but this was one of the few non blurry ones. I love how she's holding her hands.

The last few weeks have been particularly hard behavior wise with Elise. Without the distraction of outdoor time available, we've had almost nothing to do. It is one of the downsides of living in a small town, that I had forgotten about. When the weather is good, there is no limit to outdoor activities around here. But on rainy days, there is only the library for someone her age. And, due to state budget cuts, it doesn't open until 11am now.

Basically, all this has caused Elise to be bored. And whiney. And very very clingy. Which is something I've never really gone through before. Elise never went through the attachment anxiety phase (or perhaps I've blocked it out) so I've been wholey unprepared for how to handle this. She's also become fiercely independent and doesn't want to do anything that I suggest whether it is what to wear, what to eat, or what to do. She wants to make the decisions and have me execute them at her will. It has been a frustrating few weeks. And it has inspired us to register her for public school. She really really needs interaction with other kids at a level that I just cannot provide at home. So we'll see how it goes, but she is super excited.

Also, this month, we've gone through our first IUI (artificial insemination). We've now been trying to conceive for 22 cycles with no luck. I'm beginning to lose all hope. We're trying this out and it has been the longest two week wait ever. We should know if it worked next week. If it doesn't, I think we'll be taking a break. Overall, this whole thing has been an extremely demoralizing experience and I'm to the point that I feel I need to focus on something else. I think I've essentially put my life on hold for almost two years now, thinking "well I shouldn't take that on because I may have an infant". Well, I think I'm done waiting.

So I'm signing up for this course Mondo Beyondo. It has a silly name but I love the concept behind it and it came recommended by one of my favorite bloggers, Mighty Girl (check out her Mighty Life list; I've started one of my own). What I'm hoping all this will do is help me figure out what I want to be when I grow up! Because I still haven't worked that one out.

Today

A girl and her dog. Getting ready for swim lessons.

Introducing Mr. Robot:

We made him from trash and tin foil. Elise is showing off his rocket pack (her idea).

Milestones

As Elise has gotten older the milestones have spread out from a new one every week or even day to every month to, perhaps, one a year. And the quality has changed from learning basic skills to skills that make her one step closer to being an adult. They are exciting and wonderful, but somewhat more bittersweet as well.

The day before yesterday Elise started whistling. Really whistling! She's very proud of this new skill and likes to pull it out when least expected, especially if we are around people who haven't heard her do it yet.

We also had another milestone this week:

In case it is difficult to tell from the photos, Elise has survived her first self induced haircut. During what was supposed to be "quiet" time in her room, she hacked off half of her hair on the left side. Apparently she'd squirreled away some scissors from the craft area in the basement and decided to go for it. I thought we had made it past the age for this particular milestone without incident. Ha!

In addition, she hid the cut hair under her pillow and tried to pretend that she didn't know what I was talking about when I asked her what happened to her hair! So I guess that's another milestone. She officially gets the ideas of being in trouble and avoiding it by lying. We actually had a much longer talk about these concepts than about the hair cutting.

Anyway, all is well now.

Elise has a little shag, which makes her look so much older, I could cry. She had a wonderful time at the salon getting it fixed. The girl who did her hair had pink streaks in the front of hers which absolutely fascinated Elise. I will not be surprised if I find her trying to color her hair with markers now!